I recently had an e-mail exchange with a friend of mine, in the course of which it came to my attention that not only had I forgotten her anniversary, but also her birthday. Kudos. That got me to thinking about forgetting things and how forgetting (only for a day) my sister’s fifth anniversary made me feel a tiny bit less bad than forgetting a regular friend’s first anniversary. I decided the difference in bad feeling was related to both how bad I felt for doing it and how often I do it.  My sister’s anniversary I’ve forgotten probably two times of the possible four, and in general I feel bad, but not awful about forgetting it.  With my friend, so far I’ve missed 100% of her anniversaries, but, her status as “friend” and not “sibling” tempers that.  That decided upon, I worked up a scale to help me figure out a reasonable level of feeling-bad over certain social faux-pas.

The system is based on taking into consideration, on a scale of 1-10, both how bad I feel about it, and how often I’ve done it.  For my sister, I feel about a 7 badness for forgetting, and I’ve done it 2/4 times, giving me a 5 for frequency.  7*5 gives a multiple of 35.  For my friend, though I only feel bad at about a 5 (which may or may not make me a terrible jerk, I don’t know), but my frequency is a 10, for a multiple of 50.  Just a little bit worse.

Other examples I thought of were forgetting someone’s name in a social situation.  I’d estimate my frequency at about 8, which is something I need to work on, but I only rate it about a 3 for feeling bad.  24, or only half as bad as I do for forgetting a friend’s wedding.  That feels about right.  If I were ever to beat up someone’s mother, I’d feel bad at a 10, however the frequency is only 1, yielding a completely okay 10.  Of course, I’ve never beat up anyone’s mother, or anyone at all for that matter, but it’s a 1-10 scale, not a 0-10.

The point of the system is to figure out the best way to react to a certain social event you feel awkward for.  Events that register under a 30 are probably not a big deal at all, events in the 30-60 range are worth feeling bad about and probably deserve some apoligizing, but not hand-wringing.  60-90 probably a more heartfelt apology and depending on the circumstances, some sort of physical reparation, like flowers or buying a round of beers.  90+…  Well, I haven’t come up with an example, but I’d feel bad about it.

Obviously, this system is basically without any sort of a point, but I think with some more thought, possibly some more variables thrown in, it could be a useful.  Say your friend is mad because his girlfriend did X fr the Y time.  You could help your friend figure out what to do by figuring out the proper multiples and offering appropriate advice.  Let’s say the multiple comes out below 20, you just tell the friend to get over it.  Up around 80 or 90, perhaps it’s time they break up.

Thoughts?  Any advice on more variables, or a better name, or a wider application of the formula would certainly be welcome.